jesus’ birthday party – lombard’s lounge

Posted: December 24, 2012 in Between the lines, Humor, Truth and Grace
Tags: , , , ,

christmas partyJesus is cleaning out the septic tank of a widow living in Capernaum. Three of his disciples, John, Matthew and Nate, walk up.

Nate (disgustingly): Jesus, that’s unclean.

Matthew (nodding): Absolutely.

Jesus (wiping the sweat from his brow with his sleeve): Yep.

John (questioningly): I suppose the legal idea of “unclean” doesn’t apply to you, right?

Jesus (throwing a shovel load of muck out): Right.

Nate: Looks like you are about done. What are the ceremonial cleansing rituals for this kind of dirty?

Jesus (smiling): Seven showers, two-squirrel sacrifice and report to the priests for a certificate.

Jesus climbs out of the tank, dumps in a bag of yeast and pulls the top over it with John’s help.

Jesus: Today’s my birthday!

John: Really? We should have a party.

Jesus: For real. I got you all a present and I want you to learn some songs. They’re called ‘carols.’

Matthew: Carol’s? Carol Lombard, the French singer in Lombard’s Lounge?

Jesus: Hmmm. Yeah, sorta. Anyway. I have a present for ya’ll.

Later that evening all Jesus’ disciples, family and friends gather at Lombard’s Lounge with the bar’s regular customers. They’ve pretty much taken over the place.

Crowd (singing): Happy birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Jesus, happy Birthday to you!

Jesus (raising his hands): Thanks everyone. I’m so happy to spend my birthday with you all. I told you I have a present for you — anyone want to guess what it is?

Peter: A round of drinks?

Judas: Cheese fries?

John: Amazon gift cards?

Matthew (yelling): What is it?

Crowd: Yeah! What is it?

Jesus: Ready?

Crowd (shouting) Yes!

Jesus (throwing out his arms): It’s me!

Dead silence in the lounge.

James (Jesus’ brother, after a few seconds): Say what? You’ve been around for 30 years.

Jesus: Tonight I’m revealing THE PLAN. It’s me. I know you’ve suspected something. I’ve dropped hints. I’m God, the Father, the Creator of the Universe — infinity and beyond — I’ve come to be with you and bring you home with me! Wooohooo! And I love YOU!

Continued silence.

Jesus: Listen closely. I’m the Big Guy. The one they worship in the Temple in Jerusalem? That’s me. However, I’m here with you. I’m giving you all hugs tonight before you leave. On top of that, I’m going to give you complete joy and peace in infinite abundance. My love is going to change everything. Get ready, ’cause I’m taking away the sins of the world!

John: Wow! THAT’S some birthday present!

Jesus: Certainly is. I am with you. Emmanuel.

James: Jiminey Christmas!

Jesus: Carol! Come teach us some songs. I like the Joy song you sang for me Thursday outside the hardware store.

Carol (Standing up on a chair): Okay, gang. It goes like this: Joy to the world! The Lord is come! Let Earth receive her king! Let every heart prepare him room. Let heaven and nature sing! Let heaven and nature sing! Let heeeeaaaavvvvan and nature sing!

Tr8: God is with us. Christmas celebrates his coming. Enjoy!


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